P.A.-P.H.D. Chocolate Bacon Muffins

     During a recent conversation on Facebook someone mentioned wanting Chocolate, someone else mentioned wanting Bacon, and I figured that, since that pairing has recently become trendy, and I like muffins, fuck it time for Chocolate Bacon Muffins. The name is a tribute to a woman I barely know, have only met once, but whom I have had some very fine online discourse with over the years, and upon whose Facebook wall the initial conversation appeared.

Here's What You'll Need:
8 Ounces of Applewood Smoked Bacon
1 3/4 Cups Flour
1 Cup Chocolate Chips
1 Cup Milk
3/4 cup Sugar
1/3 Cup Bacon Grease
3 Tablespoons Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa Powder
1 Egg
2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
2 Teaspoons Instant Coffee
1 Teaspoon Applewood Smoked Sea Salt (Plus more to finish)
1 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract
1/2 Teaspoon Baking Soda

Here's What You'll Do:
1. Using scissors, cut your Bacon into 1/4 inch squares, and fry over medium heat until crispy.
2. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
3. Separate your bacon from it's grease and allow both to cool for several minutes.
4. Combine 1/3 of a cup of your bacon grease (if you don't get enough while frying your bacon, either make up the difference with butter, or fry yourself some extra bacon...) with 1/2 a cup of chocolate chips and all of your sugar.
5. Microwave on high for 30 seconds then whisk until your chocolate and sugar fully dissolve.
6. Whisk in your Vanilla Extract, Milk, and Egg.
7. Add the rest of your Chocolate Chips and 3/4 of your bacon pieces, then stir to combine.
8. In a separate bowl, combine your Flour, Coffee, Baking Powder, Baking Soda, Cocoa Powder, and Salt, then whisk to combine.
9. Using a silicone spatula, add your wet ingredients to your dry ingredients.
10. Stir until the mixture is just coming together, that means there WILL be liquidy pocket, there WILL be lumps, and there WILL be areas of dry Flour. Do not continue to fucking mix it! This is exactly how it is supposed to be.
11. Grease and Flour a standard 12 cup Muffin tin, or spray it down with Bakers Joy.
12. Using a spoon, or you know, whatever works for you, scoop the batter into your Muffin Tin, trying your best to keep it distributed evenly.
13. Add the final 1/4 of your Bacon, distributed evenly across the tops of all your prospective Muffins, and sprinkle each lightly with Applewood Smoked Sea Salt.
14. Bake for 20 minutes, rotating your pan at the 10 minute mark to ensure that they cook evenly.
15. Allow to cool completely (really, just wait FFS, I know they smell good.)
16. Pop loose from their little steel beds and devour ravenously.

Notes: Some of you may wonder why 'Preheat' comes in as step two in this recipe. The answer is simple, I'm using a 400 degree oven in August, I don't want that thing on any longer than absolutely needed, if I do more Muffins in December you'll notice the difference.

Bonus Points: Split one of those tiny brown bad asses in half and spread on a little Nutella. Or better yet, Dobrova, which tastes just like Nutella, but is considerably cheaper.

Berry Blast Cheesecake (No-Bake Recipe)

     There are two kinds of cheesecake, excellent, and even more excellent. A plain cheesecake, whether baked, or no-bake is an indulgent delight, melting on the tongue and sending your spirit soaring like a bird on wing. This recipe takes those hall mark traits and adds the subtle joy of a summer day spent berry picking, so, you know, Fuck Yeah!

Here's What You'll Need: For the Berry Sauce
1/2 Cup Raspberries
1/4 Cup Blackberries
2 Tablespoons Blackberry Preserves
2 Tablespoons Powdered Sugar
2 Tablespoons Cornstarch

Here's What You'll Do: For the Berry Sauce

1. Put everything in a blender or food processor
2. Blend on high until smooth and glossy

Here's What You'll Need: For the Cheesecake
16 Ounces of Cream Cheese (At Room Temperature)
8 Ounces of Cool Whip
1 Cup Powdered Sugar
3/4 Cup Corn Starch
1 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract

Here's What You'll Do: For the Cheesecake
1. Combine all of your wet ingredients on a large bowl and mix until smooth and creamy. (I recommend a mixer for this, but you're free to develop Carpal Tunnel if that's what you're into...)
2. Slowly add your dry ingredients until the mixture reaches a thick enough consistency that when you pull the beaters out it forms stiff peaks, like tasty little mountain ranges.
3. Pour half of your Berry Sauce into the mixture and gently fold in until it is mostly combined but still has the occasional swirl.
4.Using a spatula  transfer the mixture into a Graham Cracker or Cookie Crust and cover with plastic wrap.
5. Refrigerate for 30 minutes to allow mixture to set.
6. Slice.
7. Drizzle each slice with a little of the remaining Berry Sauce, possibly garnishing with left over Berries or shiny foil wrapped candies that provide color contrast for the pictures you will randomly be taking.
8. Enjoy... like I have to tell you to enjoy Cheesecake...

Extremely Pretentious Cupcakes

     Why did I name this 'Extremely Pretentious Cupcakes,' instead of doing what I normally do and giving it a weird, quirky, or lets face it, extremely pretentious name? Because honestly when I finished sorting out what they would be called if I just used a little truth in advertising, I realized they would be Orange Cardamom Cupcakes with Orange Blossom infused Lavender Buttercream Frosting. And since I can't say that without feeling like I should be wearing a sweater vest and lampooning my hedge fund manager at 'The Club,' I figured it was better to make fun of myself openly than to have to shake my head and call myself a dumb ass everytime I looked through my posts forever.

Here's What You'll Need for the Cupcakes:

1 Cup White Sugar
1/2 Cup Butter
1/2 Cup of Milk
2 Eggs
2 Teaspoons Orange Extract
1 1/2 Cups All Purpose Flour
1 Tablespoon Cardamom
2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
1 Teaspoon Orange Zest

Here's What You'll Do:

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit
2. Cream together your Eggs and Butter in a large bowl.
3. Mix in the rest of your wet ingredients till fully combined.
4. In a separate bowl mix together all of your dry ingredients.
5. Combine wet and dry ingredients.
6. Line a Muffin Pan with Paper Muffin Cups
7. Evenly split your batter between the muffin cups, they should each be about 2/3 full.
8. Bake for 20-25 minutes until a toothpick inserted in the center of each comes out clean.
9. Allow to cool completely and then frost.

     The Extremely Pretentious Frosting I'm giving you the recipe for is NOT the same as the one I made. And here's why: Do you remember the advice I gave for using new spices in On the Topic of: Seasoning? If not reread that real quick and you'll know why I reduced the amount of Lavender in the recipe I'm about to give you by 1/2. I really should have listened to my own advice on that one, wow. On the other hand, if you want to feel like Spring had an after party in your mouth then moved it upstairs to your sinuses for an orgy feel free to go ahead and double up on the lavender.

Here's What You'll Need for the Frosting:

1 Cup(2 Sticks) Softened Butter
1 1/2 Teaspoons Lavender Petals
1 Tablespoon Orange Blossom Water (Also a new ingredient for me, check Wal-Marts Middle Eastern Section)
4 Cups Powdered Sugar

Here's What You'll Do:

1. Crush the Lavender Petals, you can use a spoon against the side of the bowl, a food processor, or a mortar and pestle is you are old fashioned.
2. Mix the Lavender with your Softened Butter and Orange Blossom Water . You probably already know this, but someone else reading this recipe doesn't, so here goes: Softened Butter is about room temperature. It is a soft squishable goop. It is NOT the same as Melted Butter, which is, well, melted... into a liquid.
3. Slowly mix in your powdered sugar.
4. Allow to set for at least 10 minutes in the refridgerator to allow the flavors to blend.

Hangry Girl Hummus

     The first time I ever heard the term 'Hangry,' was from my Fiance Mary, who went on to explain that the term means, 'Hungry enough that it's making you angry.' But after careful observation I've learned that it tends to be more of a slow simmering fury than a simple anger, and truth be told I've felt it's effects many times in my life, I just lacked a word to explain it.
      When Mary gets in this state there is only one solution, feed her, quickly. That's why I developed 'Hangry Girl Hummus,' smooth, creamy, delicious, and most importantly, QUICK to make.

Here's what you'll need:
2 Cans Chick Peas (also called Garbanzo Beans) one drained one un-drained
1/2 Red Bell Pepper
2 Tablespoons Lemon Juice
1 1/2 Tablespoon Tahini (This is a ground Sesame Seed Paste, available in the Middle-Eastern foods section of most places here on the West Side.)
2 Teaspoons Garlic Powder
2 Teaspoons Salt

Here's what you'll do:

1. Throw it all in a food processor or blender and run it on high until smooth and creamy.
2. Enjoy on Pita Bread, Crackers, Chips, or as a condiment on Sandwiches 

Or:

1. Throw it all in a food processor or blender and run it on high until smooth and creamy.
2. Pose it next to the other half of the Red Pepper on a lemon shaped cutting board with a little Cilantro sprinkled on top to emphasize its color. Then take photo's of it, like a weird food obsessed nut job. This is clearly the option I went with....

Mochanut Pie

     Chocolate, Coffee, Coconut, Crust, four C's worth sailing in my opinion, if you care about my opinion. Better yet if you can take them all in one trip to tantalize the taste buds and titillate the tongue, and my Mochanut Pie is just the ship to sail you there .

Here's What You'll Need:

3 Cups Heavy Cream (1 Cup Reserved)
1/2 Sugar
1/2 Cup Toasted Coconut (Reserved)
1/2 cup Chocolate Syrup
3 Packets Hot Cocoa Mix
8 Tablespoons cornstarch (Reserved)
3 Tablespoons Instant Coffee (This is optional, but it's exclusion would make it a Choconut Pie, you can't have Mocha without Coffee.)
1 Graham Cracker or Cookie Crust (Store bought also works)

Here's What You'll Do:

1. Mix all ingredients except those reserved in a medium sauce pan and place over medium heat, stirring frequently.
2. In a small bowl mix reserved Heavy Cream and Cornstarch until fully integrated. Make certain your crust is sitting nearby.
3. When the contents of the sauce pan reach a boil add the Cream and Cornstarch mixture and whisk as though your life depends on it until the mixture is the consistency of thick pudding.
4. Pour immediately into your crust.
5. Sprinkle Toasted Coconut over the top of the pie and gently press down to insure that the Coconut sticks to the surface of the filling.
6. Allow to cool for 30-60 minutes, until the filling is warm, but not hot, then wrap in plastic wrap and chill in the fridge for at least 8 hours.
7. Cut into no fewer than 6 pieces ( Okay, this is really your call, but this pie is extremely heavy and rich, if you cut it in quarters you might as well schedule in a  delightful Chocolate Coma Time afterwards.)
8. Enjoy!

(Bonus Points: Sliced Almonds, Pecans, Peanuts, Chocolate Chips(you masochist), crumbled Oreo's, all make excellent additions in Step 5, or even Chopped Chocolate Covered Coffee Beans if you want to make people fawn over you and leave you uncomfortably intimate Thank You letters.)

Mumbo Gumbo

     Ah Gumbo, a spicy Southern Treat that is the perfect pick me up to fight off those Winter is Coming Blues. This recipe was a huge hit at the last restaurant I worked at, far to the North near the shores of Lake Erie where the winters send snow drifts that blockade the doors of your home and winds that coat you in ice between your house and your mailbox. People used to clamor in bundled head to toe in 4 layers of clothing and 3 layers of ice and leave dripping sweat and steaming after a bowl of my Mumbo Gumbo.

Here's what you'll need:

2 Pounds Finely Chopped Onions

1 1/2 Pounds Cubed Chicken Breast 

1 1/2 Pounds Finely Chopped Tomatoes

1/2 Pound Peeled and Deveined Shrimp

1/2 Pound Spicy Ground Sausage

1 Cup water

3/4 Cup Franks Red Hot Sauce

1/8 Cup Yellow Mustard

2 Sliced Red Bell Peppers

2 Sliced Green Bell Peppers

2 Sliced Yellow Bell Peppers

2 Sliced Orange Bell Peppers

2 Tablespoons Butter

1 Tablespoon Blackened Red Fish Magic (Available in most Kroger spice aisles)

1 Tablespoon Garlic Powder

1 Tablespoon Onion Powder

1 Teaspoon Black Pepper

1/2 Teaspoon Salt

1/2 Teaspoon Cayenne Pepper

1/4 Teaspoon Thyme

Here's What you'll do:

1. Combine all ingredients except Chicken, Sausage, Peppers, Butter, and Shrimp in a large stock pot .
2. Place over Medium heat and bring to a boil.
3. Immediately reduce heat to a low simmer.
4. Simmer for 3-4 hours stirring every few minutes, vegetables should have liquified.
5. If sauce has any chunks liquify in a Blender or Food Processor and return to heat.
6. In a medium frying pan combine the Butter, Sausage, Peppers, and Chicken Breast and cook until meat is nearly finished cooking.
7. Add Shrimp to frying pan, cook until Shrimp is completely cooked through. (Core Temperature of 145 Degrees Fahrenheit.)
8. Strain Contents of frying pan and add to sauce in stock pot.
9. Continue to simmer over low heat for 30 minutes.
10. Serve over Rice, Noodles, or even all by itself.

Black Pepper Cranberry Glaze

     Sweet, Tangy, and Spicy this glaze does for Chicken and Turkey what our Burgundy Black Pepper Glaze does for Beef, adds many more layers of subtle flavor simply and effectively.

Here's what you'll need:
2 Cups of Cranberry Juice (1 Reserved)
3/4 Cup White Sugar
2 Tablespoons Cornstarch
2 Teaspoons of Black Pepper
1/2 Teaspoon Cayenne Pepper

Here's what you'll do:

1. Combine 1 Cup Cranberry Juice, Sugar, Black Pepper, and Cayenne Pepper in a Medium Saucepan and whisk together well.
2. Place over medium heat an bring to a boil, stirring frequently.
3. In a bowl, combine reserved Cranberry Juice and Cornstarch to make a thickener.
4. Slowly stir thickener into pot and whisk constantly until mixture reaches the thickness of pancake syrup.
5. Brush onto Chicken or Turkey.
6. Use immediately as it doesn't refrigerate well.

Burgundy Black Pepper Glaze

     Rich, savory, and just slightly spicy, this is the perfect accompaniment to any steak or roast, adding a surprising depth of flavor.

Here's what you'll need:
1/2 Cup of Burgundy
1/2 Cup of Water
1 Tablespoon of Beef Base (Bullion works almost as well)
1 Tablespoon Corn Starch
1 Teaspoon Black Pepper
1 Teaspoon Garlic Powder

Here's what you'll do:

1. Combine all ingredients in a Medium Saucepan and whisk together thoroughly.
2. Place over medium heat until sauce thickens to the consistency of pancake syrup.
3. Remove from heat and brush lightly over meat, just a little goes a long way.
4. Use sauce immediately as it doesn't refrigerate well.

     If Chicken or Turkey are more your thing, try our BlackPepper Cranberry Glaze.

Day after the Cook-out Corn and Chicken Chowder

     Perfect Autumn food,this chowder is rich, creamy, and uses up some of those delicious left-overs from yesterdays Cook-Out. Or if nothing was left after friends, family, and neighbors poking their head over the fence finished off every last morsel, it can be made up from scratch.

Here's what you'll need:
5 cups of Corn (Cut off a Cook-Out Cob or from a can)
4 Cups Diced Cooked Chicken Breast (Covered in grill lines, or straight out of the frying pan or oven)
4 Cups Cold Diced Baked Potatoes (Make sure they've cooled or they'll smash instead of slice)
1 Quart Heavy Cream
1 Cup Cold Water
2 Tablespoons of Black Pepper
2 Tablespoons of Flour
2 Tablespoons of Cornstarch
1 1/2 Tablespoons of Chicken Base

Here's what you'll do:

1. Combine the Cold Water, Flour, and Cornstarch in a small bowl with a whisk.
2. Combine all other ingredients in a large pot and mix thoroughly.
3. Place over a medium heat and bring to a boil, stirring frequently.
4. Add Water, Flour, Cornstarch, mixture stirring constantly until thickened.
5. Enjoy.
6. This recipe makes approximately 18 cups of very rich chowder, you may want to invite some friends over.

Black as Midnight BBQ Sauce

     Smokey, Sweet, Tangy, and Spicy, those are the watchwords we live by at The Columbus Digest when it comes to making a good Barbeque Sauce. But not everyone has the leisure of casual Sunday cook-outs in the park. People in Columbus are busy, and sometimes a cook-out goes down at the same time as the sun. When the last rays are slipping behind the horizon and your friends are on the way after a long day at work you need a Barbeque Sauce with a built in pick me up, and so we present our 'Black as Midnight BBQ Sauce'.

What You'll need:

4 Pounds of Ketchup
1 1/2 Cups of Coffee Grounds
1 1/2 Cups Blackstrap Molasses
1 Cup White Vinegar
1/2 Cup Buckwheat Honey
1/2 Cup Mustard
3 Tablespoons Garlic Powder
2 Tablespoons Onion Powder
2 Tablespoons Liquid Mesquite Smoke
2 Tablespoons Orange Zest (Available in most grocery stores in the spice aisle as Valencia Orange Peel)
1 1/2 Tablespoons Ancho Chili Powder
1 Tablespoon Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa Powder
1/2 Tablespoon Chipotle Chili Pepper
1/2 Tablespoon Black Pepper
1 Teaspoon White Pepper
1 Teaspoon Mustard Powder

What You'll do:

1. In a normal coffee pot brew 6 Cups of Coffee with the 1 1/2 cups of grounds (We used Folgers French Roast, but feel free to use your favorite.)
2. Pour the fresh brewed Coffee into a medium sauce pan and heat on medium until it has reduced to 1 Fluid Cup of VERY VERY strong Coffee and pour into a large pot.
3. Combine all of your liquid ingredients in the large pan and place over medium heat until boiling stirring frequently.
4. Reduce heat to simmer. Meanwhile combine all of your dry spices in a bowl and whisk together before thoroughly mixing into your liquid mixture.
5. Stir frequently for 30-45 minutes or until the sauce reaches your desired thickness. (We used this time to watch an episode of 'No Reservations' on Netflix.)
6. Remove from heat and allow to stand until cooled to room temperature before pouring into airtight plastic bottles. (Kroger's at Georgesville Square had nice 4 Cup screw on lid containers on sale right next to their aluminum foil.) Makes approximately 11 Cups of sauce.
7. Before I receive any complaints, or worse yet someone thinks they made the sauce wrong, it is actually a very deep red, not black. The name is a reference to the intensely strong coffee used in the sauce.

Better than So-So Tso's Sauce

Pictured with our creepy Oreo Panda Cookie jar.

     Ah, General Tso's, the quintessential 'Chinese,' food. sweet, tangy, and most of all spicy.But what makes the dish so appealing? What draws people to it no matter what region of the United States they inhabit? Why, the sauce obviously, that rich, red concoction that leaves our mouths watering and our foreheads dripping spice induced sweat.
     It has an 'exotic' flavor that makes sure few home cooks feel up to the task of making it, when in reality it is extremely simple and is a sauce with staying power, lasting up to 2 weeks in the refrigerator and 2 months in the freezer so you can make it on a day off and enjoy it on even the busiest work day.

Here's what you'll need:
1 1/2 Cups Brown Sugar
1/2 Cup White Vinegar
1/2 Cup Rice Vinegar
1/2 Cup Cooking Sherry
1/2 Cup Low Sodium Soy Sauce
3/4 Cup Soy Sauce (1/4 cups reserved)
1/4 Cup White Sugar
2 Tablespoons Vegetable Oil
12 Dried Arbol Chili Peppers
2 Tablespoons Fresh Ground Ginger (Powdered Ginger is almost as good)
2 Tablespoons Cornstarch
1 Tablespoon Garlic Powder
1 Tablespoon Sesame Seed Oil
1 Teaspoon Black Pepper
1 Teaspoon Red Pepper
1 Teaspoon White Pepper
1/2 Teaspoon Cardamom

Here's what you do:

1. Mix Rice Vinegar, White Vinegar, Cooking Sherry, Soy Sauce, Low-Sodium Soy Sauce, Vegetable Oil, Sesame Oil, and Chili Peppers in a medium sauce pan and simmer over low heat for 5 minutes.
2. Add all spices, Brown Sugar, and White Sugar and stir until the sugars are fully dissolved.
3. Whisk together the 1/4 Cup Soy Sauce you had reserved and Cornstarch and whisk into to the sauce pan until the mixture reaches the consistency of thin pancake syrup.
4. Enjoy over Tso Simple Chicken, Chicken Patty Sandwhiches, Ramen Noodles, White Rice or anything you like.   Makes approximately 5 cups of sauce. 

Tso Simple Chicken

And now for...

MAD SCIENCE OR BAD SCIENCE with Bob and Ross

Today's Experiment Better Than So-So Cocoa Tso's

Ross-"Careful Bob, that's 3 Tablespoons of pure undiluted Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa Powder."
Bob-" There is no time for caution Ross, what we do, we do.... FOR SCIENCE!"
Ross quickly stirs the seething mass of fluid, then as it subsides both of our daring scientists throw caution to the wind and use themselves as Guinea Pigs, sampling the mixture.

Ross- "Test tubes and testosterone Bob, give me that and a beer and an hour alone!"
Bob- "Hmm... the cocoa seems to tone down the sweetness of the sauce, it brings out the spice but almost seems to make less biting, more of a slow burn like the passion of a good lover. Oh my yes, I think we'll have to file this one away under MAD SCIENCE!"