P.A.-P.H.D. Chocolate Bacon Muffins

     During a recent conversation on Facebook someone mentioned wanting Chocolate, someone else mentioned wanting Bacon, and I figured that, since that pairing has recently become trendy, and I like muffins, fuck it time for Chocolate Bacon Muffins. The name is a tribute to a woman I barely know, have only met once, but whom I have had some very fine online discourse with over the years, and upon whose Facebook wall the initial conversation appeared.

Here's What You'll Need:
8 Ounces of Applewood Smoked Bacon
1 3/4 Cups Flour
1 Cup Chocolate Chips
1 Cup Milk
3/4 cup Sugar
1/3 Cup Bacon Grease
3 Tablespoons Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa Powder
1 Egg
2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
2 Teaspoons Instant Coffee
1 Teaspoon Applewood Smoked Sea Salt (Plus more to finish)
1 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract
1/2 Teaspoon Baking Soda

Here's What You'll Do:
1. Using scissors, cut your Bacon into 1/4 inch squares, and fry over medium heat until crispy.
2. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
3. Separate your bacon from it's grease and allow both to cool for several minutes.
4. Combine 1/3 of a cup of your bacon grease (if you don't get enough while frying your bacon, either make up the difference with butter, or fry yourself some extra bacon...) with 1/2 a cup of chocolate chips and all of your sugar.
5. Microwave on high for 30 seconds then whisk until your chocolate and sugar fully dissolve.
6. Whisk in your Vanilla Extract, Milk, and Egg.
7. Add the rest of your Chocolate Chips and 3/4 of your bacon pieces, then stir to combine.
8. In a separate bowl, combine your Flour, Coffee, Baking Powder, Baking Soda, Cocoa Powder, and Salt, then whisk to combine.
9. Using a silicone spatula, add your wet ingredients to your dry ingredients.
10. Stir until the mixture is just coming together, that means there WILL be liquidy pocket, there WILL be lumps, and there WILL be areas of dry Flour. Do not continue to fucking mix it! This is exactly how it is supposed to be.
11. Grease and Flour a standard 12 cup Muffin tin, or spray it down with Bakers Joy.
12. Using a spoon, or you know, whatever works for you, scoop the batter into your Muffin Tin, trying your best to keep it distributed evenly.
13. Add the final 1/4 of your Bacon, distributed evenly across the tops of all your prospective Muffins, and sprinkle each lightly with Applewood Smoked Sea Salt.
14. Bake for 20 minutes, rotating your pan at the 10 minute mark to ensure that they cook evenly.
15. Allow to cool completely (really, just wait FFS, I know they smell good.)
16. Pop loose from their little steel beds and devour ravenously.

Notes: Some of you may wonder why 'Preheat' comes in as step two in this recipe. The answer is simple, I'm using a 400 degree oven in August, I don't want that thing on any longer than absolutely needed, if I do more Muffins in December you'll notice the difference.

Bonus Points: Split one of those tiny brown bad asses in half and spread on a little Nutella. Or better yet, Dobrova, which tastes just like Nutella, but is considerably cheaper.

Baba Yaga Ganoush

     Smooth with a subtle smokiness and a lingering bite, our Baba Yaga Ganoush  is a great dip or sandwich topper, low in calories and fat and high in flavor. If you're wondering why I related this Middle-Eastern favorite with a Russian folk tale I have just three words for you, "Mortar and Pestle." Look it up.

Here's What You'll Need:

1 Large Eggplant (about a pound and a half)
2 Tablespoons Tahini
2 Tablespoons Lemon Juice
3 Cloves of Garlic
1 Tablespoon Olive Oil
1 Tablespoon Black Sesame Seeds
2 Teaspoons Applewood Smoked Sea Salt
1/2-1 Teaspoon Habenero Powder

Here's What You'll Do:


1. Poke holes all across the skin of your Eggplant with a fork, the more holes the smokier your Baba will taste.
2a. (For those with an Electric Stove) On a foil lined cookie sheet place your Eggplant under your Broiler on high, rotating every few minutes to evenly blacken the skin. The longer you go with this step the more of a smokey flavor your Baba will develop as the smoke from the burnt outer skin makes its way in through your previously poked air holes.
2b. (For those with a Gas Stove) Using tongs (and an oven mitt, I hope you guys already knew this part) rotate your Eggplant over a medium flame from one of your burners allowing the skin to blacken evenly.
3. Bake your Eggplant for 20-30 minutes at 375 degrees Fahrenheit until tender enough that a fork meets little resistance at the center.
4. Allow to cool. And scoop the insides into your largest Mortar and Pestle (or Food Processor if you're feeling lazy) and grind to a paste with all other ingredients, saving the Sesame Seeds for last and just giving them a quick stir in.
5. Gobble that shit down on some crackers, or tortilla chips, or even the traditional flat bread of your choice.

Black as Midnight BBQ Sauce

     Smokey, Sweet, Tangy, and Spicy, those are the watchwords we live by at The Columbus Digest when it comes to making a good Barbeque Sauce. But not everyone has the leisure of casual Sunday cook-outs in the park. People in Columbus are busy, and sometimes a cook-out goes down at the same time as the sun. When the last rays are slipping behind the horizon and your friends are on the way after a long day at work you need a Barbeque Sauce with a built in pick me up, and so we present our 'Black as Midnight BBQ Sauce'.

What You'll need:

4 Pounds of Ketchup
1 1/2 Cups of Coffee Grounds
1 1/2 Cups Blackstrap Molasses
1 Cup White Vinegar
1/2 Cup Buckwheat Honey
1/2 Cup Mustard
3 Tablespoons Garlic Powder
2 Tablespoons Onion Powder
2 Tablespoons Liquid Mesquite Smoke
2 Tablespoons Orange Zest (Available in most grocery stores in the spice aisle as Valencia Orange Peel)
1 1/2 Tablespoons Ancho Chili Powder
1 Tablespoon Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa Powder
1/2 Tablespoon Chipotle Chili Pepper
1/2 Tablespoon Black Pepper
1 Teaspoon White Pepper
1 Teaspoon Mustard Powder

What You'll do:

1. In a normal coffee pot brew 6 Cups of Coffee with the 1 1/2 cups of grounds (We used Folgers French Roast, but feel free to use your favorite.)
2. Pour the fresh brewed Coffee into a medium sauce pan and heat on medium until it has reduced to 1 Fluid Cup of VERY VERY strong Coffee and pour into a large pot.
3. Combine all of your liquid ingredients in the large pan and place over medium heat until boiling stirring frequently.
4. Reduce heat to simmer. Meanwhile combine all of your dry spices in a bowl and whisk together before thoroughly mixing into your liquid mixture.
5. Stir frequently for 30-45 minutes or until the sauce reaches your desired thickness. (We used this time to watch an episode of 'No Reservations' on Netflix.)
6. Remove from heat and allow to stand until cooled to room temperature before pouring into airtight plastic bottles. (Kroger's at Georgesville Square had nice 4 Cup screw on lid containers on sale right next to their aluminum foil.) Makes approximately 11 Cups of sauce.
7. Before I receive any complaints, or worse yet someone thinks they made the sauce wrong, it is actually a very deep red, not black. The name is a reference to the intensely strong coffee used in the sauce.