P.A.-P.H.D. Chocolate Bacon Muffins

     During a recent conversation on Facebook someone mentioned wanting Chocolate, someone else mentioned wanting Bacon, and I figured that, since that pairing has recently become trendy, and I like muffins, fuck it time for Chocolate Bacon Muffins. The name is a tribute to a woman I barely know, have only met once, but whom I have had some very fine online discourse with over the years, and upon whose Facebook wall the initial conversation appeared.

Here's What You'll Need:
8 Ounces of Applewood Smoked Bacon
1 3/4 Cups Flour
1 Cup Chocolate Chips
1 Cup Milk
3/4 cup Sugar
1/3 Cup Bacon Grease
3 Tablespoons Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa Powder
1 Egg
2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
2 Teaspoons Instant Coffee
1 Teaspoon Applewood Smoked Sea Salt (Plus more to finish)
1 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract
1/2 Teaspoon Baking Soda

Here's What You'll Do:
1. Using scissors, cut your Bacon into 1/4 inch squares, and fry over medium heat until crispy.
2. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
3. Separate your bacon from it's grease and allow both to cool for several minutes.
4. Combine 1/3 of a cup of your bacon grease (if you don't get enough while frying your bacon, either make up the difference with butter, or fry yourself some extra bacon...) with 1/2 a cup of chocolate chips and all of your sugar.
5. Microwave on high for 30 seconds then whisk until your chocolate and sugar fully dissolve.
6. Whisk in your Vanilla Extract, Milk, and Egg.
7. Add the rest of your Chocolate Chips and 3/4 of your bacon pieces, then stir to combine.
8. In a separate bowl, combine your Flour, Coffee, Baking Powder, Baking Soda, Cocoa Powder, and Salt, then whisk to combine.
9. Using a silicone spatula, add your wet ingredients to your dry ingredients.
10. Stir until the mixture is just coming together, that means there WILL be liquidy pocket, there WILL be lumps, and there WILL be areas of dry Flour. Do not continue to fucking mix it! This is exactly how it is supposed to be.
11. Grease and Flour a standard 12 cup Muffin tin, or spray it down with Bakers Joy.
12. Using a spoon, or you know, whatever works for you, scoop the batter into your Muffin Tin, trying your best to keep it distributed evenly.
13. Add the final 1/4 of your Bacon, distributed evenly across the tops of all your prospective Muffins, and sprinkle each lightly with Applewood Smoked Sea Salt.
14. Bake for 20 minutes, rotating your pan at the 10 minute mark to ensure that they cook evenly.
15. Allow to cool completely (really, just wait FFS, I know they smell good.)
16. Pop loose from their little steel beds and devour ravenously.

Notes: Some of you may wonder why 'Preheat' comes in as step two in this recipe. The answer is simple, I'm using a 400 degree oven in August, I don't want that thing on any longer than absolutely needed, if I do more Muffins in December you'll notice the difference.

Bonus Points: Split one of those tiny brown bad asses in half and spread on a little Nutella. Or better yet, Dobrova, which tastes just like Nutella, but is considerably cheaper.