Ginger Binge

     I love ginger, its savory and spicy, but plays so very well with sweet. I love every succulent thing about Ginger, its flavor, it's aroma, it's weird knobbly alien claw shape. I love Ginger so much I even got a Ginger roommate, even if his creepy soulless stare keeps me up at night.

Here's What You'll Need:
2 Tablespoons Crystallized Ginger
2 Tablespoons Granulated Sugar
1 Fresh Knob of Ginger, peeled and slightly bruised

9 fl Ounces of Apple Juice
9 fl Ounces of Canada Dry Ginger Ale
6 fl Ounces Stirrings Ginger Liquor (available at Krogers)

Here's What You'll Do:
1. Mix the Apple Juice and Ginger Liquor  in a pitcher and chill.
2. Chill your Ginger Ale
3. Use a coffee grinder, spice grinder, blender, food processor, or your cousins braces to thoroughly grind the Crystallized Ginger together with the Sugar to make Ginger Sugar.
4. Rub the rims of three tumblers with the ginger root to moisten them and dip them in your Ginger Sugar.
5. Pour 3 fl Ounces of Ginger Ale into each tumbler, followed by 5 fl Ounces of your Ginger Liquor, Apple Juice Mixture.
6. Smell it... Oh, sooo sexy.
7. Drink it.... Burns sooo good.

Bonus Points:
1. As above, but pour it all into one, much larger glass and don't share it.
2. Try grating a little fresh Nutmeg into your Ginger Liquor, Apple Juice Mixture before you chill it. Nutmeg and Ginger are B.F.F.'s 4E.
3. Make a little rose out of Pickled Ginger to go with each glass and serve them on a tray, have your guests drop the rose into their drink before consuming. It's tasty, fun, and adds a little bit of flashy ceremony.

P.A.-P.H.D. Chocolate Bacon Muffins

     During a recent conversation on Facebook someone mentioned wanting Chocolate, someone else mentioned wanting Bacon, and I figured that, since that pairing has recently become trendy, and I like muffins, fuck it time for Chocolate Bacon Muffins. The name is a tribute to a woman I barely know, have only met once, but whom I have had some very fine online discourse with over the years, and upon whose Facebook wall the initial conversation appeared.

Here's What You'll Need:
8 Ounces of Applewood Smoked Bacon
1 3/4 Cups Flour
1 Cup Chocolate Chips
1 Cup Milk
3/4 cup Sugar
1/3 Cup Bacon Grease
3 Tablespoons Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa Powder
1 Egg
2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
2 Teaspoons Instant Coffee
1 Teaspoon Applewood Smoked Sea Salt (Plus more to finish)
1 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract
1/2 Teaspoon Baking Soda

Here's What You'll Do:
1. Using scissors, cut your Bacon into 1/4 inch squares, and fry over medium heat until crispy.
2. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
3. Separate your bacon from it's grease and allow both to cool for several minutes.
4. Combine 1/3 of a cup of your bacon grease (if you don't get enough while frying your bacon, either make up the difference with butter, or fry yourself some extra bacon...) with 1/2 a cup of chocolate chips and all of your sugar.
5. Microwave on high for 30 seconds then whisk until your chocolate and sugar fully dissolve.
6. Whisk in your Vanilla Extract, Milk, and Egg.
7. Add the rest of your Chocolate Chips and 3/4 of your bacon pieces, then stir to combine.
8. In a separate bowl, combine your Flour, Coffee, Baking Powder, Baking Soda, Cocoa Powder, and Salt, then whisk to combine.
9. Using a silicone spatula, add your wet ingredients to your dry ingredients.
10. Stir until the mixture is just coming together, that means there WILL be liquidy pocket, there WILL be lumps, and there WILL be areas of dry Flour. Do not continue to fucking mix it! This is exactly how it is supposed to be.
11. Grease and Flour a standard 12 cup Muffin tin, or spray it down with Bakers Joy.
12. Using a spoon, or you know, whatever works for you, scoop the batter into your Muffin Tin, trying your best to keep it distributed evenly.
13. Add the final 1/4 of your Bacon, distributed evenly across the tops of all your prospective Muffins, and sprinkle each lightly with Applewood Smoked Sea Salt.
14. Bake for 20 minutes, rotating your pan at the 10 minute mark to ensure that they cook evenly.
15. Allow to cool completely (really, just wait FFS, I know they smell good.)
16. Pop loose from their little steel beds and devour ravenously.

Notes: Some of you may wonder why 'Preheat' comes in as step two in this recipe. The answer is simple, I'm using a 400 degree oven in August, I don't want that thing on any longer than absolutely needed, if I do more Muffins in December you'll notice the difference.

Bonus Points: Split one of those tiny brown bad asses in half and spread on a little Nutella. Or better yet, Dobrova, which tastes just like Nutella, but is considerably cheaper.

Spring Chicken Salad

     Light and refreshing, this dish trumpets that Spring has sprung with a burst of fresh fruit and fresh herbs. Though a quick warning, this is a bit more involved than some of our recipes...

Here's What You'll Need: For the Lime Mango Vinaigrette 
1 Small Ripe Mango (Peeled, Pitted, and Diced)
1/2 Cup White Vinegar (or Rice Wine Vinegar)
1/4 Cup of Clover Honey
1/4 Cup Soy Sauce
1 1/2 Tablespoons Brown Sugar
Juice from 1/2 Small Lime
1/2 Teaspoon Fresh Lime Zest
1/2 Teaspoon Salt

Here's What You'll Do: For the Vinaigrette 
1. Combine all ingredients in a small sauce pan.
2. Bring to a boil and reduce heat to simmer for 5 minutes.
3. Run through food processor on highest setting for 30 seconds.
4. Allow to cool completely.

Here's What You'll Need: For the Chicken
3 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts
1/2 of your Lime Mango Vinaigrette

Here's What You'll Do: For the Chicken
1. Place your Chicken Breasts into a zipper seal storage bag and pour half of your Vinaigrette over them.
2. Squeeze as much of the air as possible out of the bag and seal it.
3. Give the bag a good shaking to evenly coat the Chicken and allow to marinade for 45 minutes.
4. Bake Chicken for 45 minutes or until it reaches an internal temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit.
5. Allow the chicken 5-10 minutes to cool and slice into 1/4 inch thick slabs.

Here's What You'll Need: For the Salad
Your favorite salad "Fixins"
4-5 sprigs of fresh Cilantro (finely chopped)
Juice from the other 1/2 of that Lime, you know, from before

Here's What You'll Do: For the Salad
1. Mix your usual Salad ingredients with the Cilantro and Lime Juice
2. Separate into 3-4 bowls and top with Chicken Slices
3. Drizzle remaining Vinaigrette over your salads.
4. Enjoy the sensation of a fine damn Spring Day blossoming in your mouth.

Potato Candy?

     Yes, Potato Candy, soft, creamy, delicious, puzzlement inducing. The most common reaction when I mention Potato Candy is, 'Potato What? Eww!' The most common reaction when people try it for the first time is, 'Oh wow, that's amazing! There are potatoes in this?' Now normally I try to give you folks neatly measured recipes but Potato Candy is more magic than science so you really just have to do it by gut feel.

Here's What You'll Need:
1 Mashed Potato
A LOT (I mean it, have a ton of it on hand) of Powdered Sugar
Some Peanut Butter

Here's what you'll do:
1. Put some mashed potato into a large mixing bowl and start mixing in powdered sugar till it forms a thick dough. In the famous words of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, 'DON'T PANIC.' When you first start mixing in the Powdered Sugar it will turn into a weird thin gruel, just keep adding more until it thickens.
2. Place the dough between two sheets of waxed paper and roll it out into a long thin sheet.
3. Spread a layer of peanut butter across the sheet of dough leaving about 1/2 an inch clearance on each edge.
4. Roll the dough up as tightly as possible (which is usually not very) and allow it to set for 30 minutes.
5. Cut into 1/2 inch thick slices and allow to set an additional 30 minutes so that they harden and are no longer sticky.
6. Eat those tasty little spud sweets.

Berry Blast Cheesecake (No-Bake Recipe)

     There are two kinds of cheesecake, excellent, and even more excellent. A plain cheesecake, whether baked, or no-bake is an indulgent delight, melting on the tongue and sending your spirit soaring like a bird on wing. This recipe takes those hall mark traits and adds the subtle joy of a summer day spent berry picking, so, you know, Fuck Yeah!

Here's What You'll Need: For the Berry Sauce
1/2 Cup Raspberries
1/4 Cup Blackberries
2 Tablespoons Blackberry Preserves
2 Tablespoons Powdered Sugar
2 Tablespoons Cornstarch

Here's What You'll Do: For the Berry Sauce

1. Put everything in a blender or food processor
2. Blend on high until smooth and glossy

Here's What You'll Need: For the Cheesecake
16 Ounces of Cream Cheese (At Room Temperature)
8 Ounces of Cool Whip
1 Cup Powdered Sugar
3/4 Cup Corn Starch
1 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract

Here's What You'll Do: For the Cheesecake
1. Combine all of your wet ingredients on a large bowl and mix until smooth and creamy. (I recommend a mixer for this, but you're free to develop Carpal Tunnel if that's what you're into...)
2. Slowly add your dry ingredients until the mixture reaches a thick enough consistency that when you pull the beaters out it forms stiff peaks, like tasty little mountain ranges.
3. Pour half of your Berry Sauce into the mixture and gently fold in until it is mostly combined but still has the occasional swirl.
4.Using a spatula  transfer the mixture into a Graham Cracker or Cookie Crust and cover with plastic wrap.
5. Refrigerate for 30 minutes to allow mixture to set.
6. Slice.
7. Drizzle each slice with a little of the remaining Berry Sauce, possibly garnishing with left over Berries or shiny foil wrapped candies that provide color contrast for the pictures you will randomly be taking.
8. Enjoy... like I have to tell you to enjoy Cheesecake...

Extremely Pretentious Cupcakes

     Why did I name this 'Extremely Pretentious Cupcakes,' instead of doing what I normally do and giving it a weird, quirky, or lets face it, extremely pretentious name? Because honestly when I finished sorting out what they would be called if I just used a little truth in advertising, I realized they would be Orange Cardamom Cupcakes with Orange Blossom infused Lavender Buttercream Frosting. And since I can't say that without feeling like I should be wearing a sweater vest and lampooning my hedge fund manager at 'The Club,' I figured it was better to make fun of myself openly than to have to shake my head and call myself a dumb ass everytime I looked through my posts forever.

Here's What You'll Need for the Cupcakes:

1 Cup White Sugar
1/2 Cup Butter
1/2 Cup of Milk
2 Eggs
2 Teaspoons Orange Extract
1 1/2 Cups All Purpose Flour
1 Tablespoon Cardamom
2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
1 Teaspoon Orange Zest

Here's What You'll Do:

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit
2. Cream together your Eggs and Butter in a large bowl.
3. Mix in the rest of your wet ingredients till fully combined.
4. In a separate bowl mix together all of your dry ingredients.
5. Combine wet and dry ingredients.
6. Line a Muffin Pan with Paper Muffin Cups
7. Evenly split your batter between the muffin cups, they should each be about 2/3 full.
8. Bake for 20-25 minutes until a toothpick inserted in the center of each comes out clean.
9. Allow to cool completely and then frost.

     The Extremely Pretentious Frosting I'm giving you the recipe for is NOT the same as the one I made. And here's why: Do you remember the advice I gave for using new spices in On the Topic of: Seasoning? If not reread that real quick and you'll know why I reduced the amount of Lavender in the recipe I'm about to give you by 1/2. I really should have listened to my own advice on that one, wow. On the other hand, if you want to feel like Spring had an after party in your mouth then moved it upstairs to your sinuses for an orgy feel free to go ahead and double up on the lavender.

Here's What You'll Need for the Frosting:

1 Cup(2 Sticks) Softened Butter
1 1/2 Teaspoons Lavender Petals
1 Tablespoon Orange Blossom Water (Also a new ingredient for me, check Wal-Marts Middle Eastern Section)
4 Cups Powdered Sugar

Here's What You'll Do:

1. Crush the Lavender Petals, you can use a spoon against the side of the bowl, a food processor, or a mortar and pestle is you are old fashioned.
2. Mix the Lavender with your Softened Butter and Orange Blossom Water . You probably already know this, but someone else reading this recipe doesn't, so here goes: Softened Butter is about room temperature. It is a soft squishable goop. It is NOT the same as Melted Butter, which is, well, melted... into a liquid.
3. Slowly mix in your powdered sugar.
4. Allow to set for at least 10 minutes in the refridgerator to allow the flavors to blend.

Mochanut Pie

     Chocolate, Coffee, Coconut, Crust, four C's worth sailing in my opinion, if you care about my opinion. Better yet if you can take them all in one trip to tantalize the taste buds and titillate the tongue, and my Mochanut Pie is just the ship to sail you there .

Here's What You'll Need:

3 Cups Heavy Cream (1 Cup Reserved)
1/2 Sugar
1/2 Cup Toasted Coconut (Reserved)
1/2 cup Chocolate Syrup
3 Packets Hot Cocoa Mix
8 Tablespoons cornstarch (Reserved)
3 Tablespoons Instant Coffee (This is optional, but it's exclusion would make it a Choconut Pie, you can't have Mocha without Coffee.)
1 Graham Cracker or Cookie Crust (Store bought also works)

Here's What You'll Do:

1. Mix all ingredients except those reserved in a medium sauce pan and place over medium heat, stirring frequently.
2. In a small bowl mix reserved Heavy Cream and Cornstarch until fully integrated. Make certain your crust is sitting nearby.
3. When the contents of the sauce pan reach a boil add the Cream and Cornstarch mixture and whisk as though your life depends on it until the mixture is the consistency of thick pudding.
4. Pour immediately into your crust.
5. Sprinkle Toasted Coconut over the top of the pie and gently press down to insure that the Coconut sticks to the surface of the filling.
6. Allow to cool for 30-60 minutes, until the filling is warm, but not hot, then wrap in plastic wrap and chill in the fridge for at least 8 hours.
7. Cut into no fewer than 6 pieces ( Okay, this is really your call, but this pie is extremely heavy and rich, if you cut it in quarters you might as well schedule in a  delightful Chocolate Coma Time afterwards.)
8. Enjoy!

(Bonus Points: Sliced Almonds, Pecans, Peanuts, Chocolate Chips(you masochist), crumbled Oreo's, all make excellent additions in Step 5, or even Chopped Chocolate Covered Coffee Beans if you want to make people fawn over you and leave you uncomfortably intimate Thank You letters.)

Pina Colada Chicken

     A refreshingly light and sweet dish, our Pina Colada Chicken is a great reminder that Spring is always right around the corner.

Here's what you'll need:
2 Pounds Chicken Breast (Cut lengthwise into strips)
2 Cup Flaked Coconut
1 Cup Pineapple Juice
1 Cup White Flour
2 Ounces Malibu Coconut Rum
2 Large Eggs
1 Teaspoon Salt
On the side:
1 Can of Crushed Pineapple

Here's What you'll do:

1. Combine Pineapple Juice,Salt, and Rum in a zip lock bag and mix well to make a marinade.
2. Add Chicken Strips to your Marinade making sure to squeeze all the air from the bag and refrigerate for 20-25 minutes. (Any longer and a chemical in the Pineapple Juice will cause the chicken to become tough.
3. In a large bowl combine the Coconut and Flour. In a separate bowl scramble the eggs.
4. Remove Chicken from marinade and thoroughly coat each piece in egg.
5. Place each piece separately into the Flour and Coconut mixture, cover each piece with a loose pile of the mix and press down firmly to adhere the breading to the chicken.
6. Fry over medium heat until both sides of each piece are golden brown and chicken has reached a core temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit.
7.  Serve with a side of Crushed Pineapple for dipping.

Harvest Time Corn Cake

     This is a pretty recent recipe for me, something I made a week back for a few friends when they were over to play Dungeons and Dragons. It's lightly sweet, filling, and a definite change of pace from the regular day to day sweets.

Here's what you'll need:

2 Cups Self Rising Corn Bread Mix
1 1/3 Cup Milk
2 Fresh Golden Delicious Apples
2 Fresh Peaches (Or try substituting Bartlett Pears)
1/2 a Stick of Butter
1/4 Cups of White Sugar
1/4 Cup Honey
1/4 Cup Vegetable Oil
1/4 Cup Spiced Rum
1 Large Egg
2 Tablespoons of Brown Sugar
2 Teaspoons of Cinnamon

Here's what you'll do:

1. Preheat your oven to 450degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Peel and slice the Apples and Peaches and place at the bottom of a deep pre-greased casserole dish. (Though I suppose you could dice them, if you were so inclined.)
3. Combine the  Butter, Honey, Rum, Brown Sugar, and Cinnamon in a medium sauce pan.
4. Bonus points: Add Pecans or Walnuts to the sauce, about 1/2 cup chopped ought to do it. 
5. Place over medium heat  stirring frequently until the sugar has completely dissolved.
6. Pour mixture into the casserole dish over the sliced fruit.
7. Combine all other ingredients in a large mixing bowl to form a batter. (If you're really careful you can probably use a medium bowl without making too much stuff slopping out, but you're basically just dumping stuff on the counter if you try to use a small bowl, which is alright if you just want to make a mess and not a cake.)
8. Pour into your prepared casserole dish.
9. Bake for 20-25 minutes.
10. Allow to cool for 10-15 minutes, then gently tip out onto a cutting board or plate.
11. Slice into 8 pieces and serve. Best served warm.(Or, if you're like me, 7 pieces, with one piece being roughly 1/4 of the cake, then save that piece for yourself, after all, you just did all that cooking and you deserve a reward.)

Ginger Crusted Chicken

     Fast, easy, and with a distinctive Oriental flair, this is a dish to impress friends, family, or co-workers with at your next function.

Here's what you'll need:
8 Chicken legs
8 Tablespoons Brown Sugar
2 Teaspoons Ginger
2 Teaspoons Vanilla Extract
2 Teaspoons Sesame Seed Oil
2 Teaspoons Red Food Coloring (Is food coloring cheating? Maybe. But damn does it look nice.)
1 Teaspoon Salt
1 Teaspoon Black Pepper
1 Teaspoon Cardamom (yeah, this one is a bit expensive, but a little goes a long way, so that bottle should last a while)
1 Teaspoon Garlic Powder

Here's what you'll do:

1. Preheat Oven to 350 degrees Farenheit.
2. Rinse Chicken legs with cold water, pat dry with paper towels, and place on a baking sheet.
3. Combine all other ingredients in a bowl or Food Processor, they should form a red paste of medium thickness.
4. Spoon mixture liberally over chicken legs, making sure they are evenly coated.
5. Place tray on the middle rack of the oven and bake for 45-60 minutes, until chicken reaches an internal temperature of 165 degrees Farenheit.
6. Remove from oven and allow to rest for 3-5 minutes then serve.
7. At this point the chicken should be covered with a crisp red brown crust.

Wasabenero Sauce

     Indulgently sweet with a powerful spicy kick this sauce is great on anything from chicken fingers to vanilla ice cream.

Here's what you'll need:
1 Cup Corn Syrup (and 1/4 Cup reserved)
2 Ounces Minced Habenero Peppers (About 4 medium sized peppers.)
4 Tablespoons White Vinegar (And 1/4 cup reserved)
1 Tablespoon Ground Horseradish
1 Tablespoon S&B Prepared Wasabi(It's in a little green tube, available at Wal-Mart's Asian Foods section)
1/2 Teaspoon Flour
1/4 Teaspoon Cornstarch

Here's what you'll do:

1. Combine Habero Peppers, and Vinegar in a small saucepan and bring to a boil.
2. Immediately add Horseradish and Wasabi and return to boil for 30 seconds.
3. Add Corn Syrup and reduce heat. Mix reserved Vinegar, Corn Syrup, Flour, and Cornstarch in a separate bowl to make a thickener.
4. Cook for 4 minutes, stirring constantly.
5.  Pour mixture into a Food Processor and run on Highest setting for 1 minute.
6. Add thickener and return to pan.
7. Heat mixture to a boil over Medium Heat, stirring constantly.
8. Remove from heat when mixture reaches the consistency of chocolate syrup and has a bright but transparent green color. 
9. Cool and serve as an accompaniment to, well, a whole lot of things, experiment and enjoy.

Black Pepper Cranberry Glaze

     Sweet, Tangy, and Spicy this glaze does for Chicken and Turkey what our Burgundy Black Pepper Glaze does for Beef, adds many more layers of subtle flavor simply and effectively.

Here's what you'll need:
2 Cups of Cranberry Juice (1 Reserved)
3/4 Cup White Sugar
2 Tablespoons Cornstarch
2 Teaspoons of Black Pepper
1/2 Teaspoon Cayenne Pepper

Here's what you'll do:

1. Combine 1 Cup Cranberry Juice, Sugar, Black Pepper, and Cayenne Pepper in a Medium Saucepan and whisk together well.
2. Place over medium heat an bring to a boil, stirring frequently.
3. In a bowl, combine reserved Cranberry Juice and Cornstarch to make a thickener.
4. Slowly stir thickener into pot and whisk constantly until mixture reaches the thickness of pancake syrup.
5. Brush onto Chicken or Turkey.
6. Use immediately as it doesn't refrigerate well.

Black as Midnight BBQ Sauce

     Smokey, Sweet, Tangy, and Spicy, those are the watchwords we live by at The Columbus Digest when it comes to making a good Barbeque Sauce. But not everyone has the leisure of casual Sunday cook-outs in the park. People in Columbus are busy, and sometimes a cook-out goes down at the same time as the sun. When the last rays are slipping behind the horizon and your friends are on the way after a long day at work you need a Barbeque Sauce with a built in pick me up, and so we present our 'Black as Midnight BBQ Sauce'.

What You'll need:

4 Pounds of Ketchup
1 1/2 Cups of Coffee Grounds
1 1/2 Cups Blackstrap Molasses
1 Cup White Vinegar
1/2 Cup Buckwheat Honey
1/2 Cup Mustard
3 Tablespoons Garlic Powder
2 Tablespoons Onion Powder
2 Tablespoons Liquid Mesquite Smoke
2 Tablespoons Orange Zest (Available in most grocery stores in the spice aisle as Valencia Orange Peel)
1 1/2 Tablespoons Ancho Chili Powder
1 Tablespoon Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa Powder
1/2 Tablespoon Chipotle Chili Pepper
1/2 Tablespoon Black Pepper
1 Teaspoon White Pepper
1 Teaspoon Mustard Powder

What You'll do:

1. In a normal coffee pot brew 6 Cups of Coffee with the 1 1/2 cups of grounds (We used Folgers French Roast, but feel free to use your favorite.)
2. Pour the fresh brewed Coffee into a medium sauce pan and heat on medium until it has reduced to 1 Fluid Cup of VERY VERY strong Coffee and pour into a large pot.
3. Combine all of your liquid ingredients in the large pan and place over medium heat until boiling stirring frequently.
4. Reduce heat to simmer. Meanwhile combine all of your dry spices in a bowl and whisk together before thoroughly mixing into your liquid mixture.
5. Stir frequently for 30-45 minutes or until the sauce reaches your desired thickness. (We used this time to watch an episode of 'No Reservations' on Netflix.)
6. Remove from heat and allow to stand until cooled to room temperature before pouring into airtight plastic bottles. (Kroger's at Georgesville Square had nice 4 Cup screw on lid containers on sale right next to their aluminum foil.) Makes approximately 11 Cups of sauce.
7. Before I receive any complaints, or worse yet someone thinks they made the sauce wrong, it is actually a very deep red, not black. The name is a reference to the intensely strong coffee used in the sauce.

Better than So-So Tso's Sauce

Pictured with our creepy Oreo Panda Cookie jar.

     Ah, General Tso's, the quintessential 'Chinese,' food. sweet, tangy, and most of all spicy.But what makes the dish so appealing? What draws people to it no matter what region of the United States they inhabit? Why, the sauce obviously, that rich, red concoction that leaves our mouths watering and our foreheads dripping spice induced sweat.
     It has an 'exotic' flavor that makes sure few home cooks feel up to the task of making it, when in reality it is extremely simple and is a sauce with staying power, lasting up to 2 weeks in the refrigerator and 2 months in the freezer so you can make it on a day off and enjoy it on even the busiest work day.

Here's what you'll need:
1 1/2 Cups Brown Sugar
1/2 Cup White Vinegar
1/2 Cup Rice Vinegar
1/2 Cup Cooking Sherry
1/2 Cup Low Sodium Soy Sauce
3/4 Cup Soy Sauce (1/4 cups reserved)
1/4 Cup White Sugar
2 Tablespoons Vegetable Oil
12 Dried Arbol Chili Peppers
2 Tablespoons Fresh Ground Ginger (Powdered Ginger is almost as good)
2 Tablespoons Cornstarch
1 Tablespoon Garlic Powder
1 Tablespoon Sesame Seed Oil
1 Teaspoon Black Pepper
1 Teaspoon Red Pepper
1 Teaspoon White Pepper
1/2 Teaspoon Cardamom

Here's what you do:

1. Mix Rice Vinegar, White Vinegar, Cooking Sherry, Soy Sauce, Low-Sodium Soy Sauce, Vegetable Oil, Sesame Oil, and Chili Peppers in a medium sauce pan and simmer over low heat for 5 minutes.
2. Add all spices, Brown Sugar, and White Sugar and stir until the sugars are fully dissolved.
3. Whisk together the 1/4 Cup Soy Sauce you had reserved and Cornstarch and whisk into to the sauce pan until the mixture reaches the consistency of thin pancake syrup.
4. Enjoy over Tso Simple Chicken, Chicken Patty Sandwhiches, Ramen Noodles, White Rice or anything you like.   Makes approximately 5 cups of sauce. 

Tso Simple Chicken

And now for...

MAD SCIENCE OR BAD SCIENCE with Bob and Ross

Today's Experiment Better Than So-So Cocoa Tso's

Ross-"Careful Bob, that's 3 Tablespoons of pure undiluted Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa Powder."
Bob-" There is no time for caution Ross, what we do, we do.... FOR SCIENCE!"
Ross quickly stirs the seething mass of fluid, then as it subsides both of our daring scientists throw caution to the wind and use themselves as Guinea Pigs, sampling the mixture.

Ross- "Test tubes and testosterone Bob, give me that and a beer and an hour alone!"
Bob- "Hmm... the cocoa seems to tone down the sweetness of the sauce, it brings out the spice but almost seems to make less biting, more of a slow burn like the passion of a good lover. Oh my yes, I think we'll have to file this one away under MAD SCIENCE!"