Berry Blast Cheesecake (No-Bake Recipe)

     There are two kinds of cheesecake, excellent, and even more excellent. A plain cheesecake, whether baked, or no-bake is an indulgent delight, melting on the tongue and sending your spirit soaring like a bird on wing. This recipe takes those hall mark traits and adds the subtle joy of a summer day spent berry picking, so, you know, Fuck Yeah!

Here's What You'll Need: For the Berry Sauce
1/2 Cup Raspberries
1/4 Cup Blackberries
2 Tablespoons Blackberry Preserves
2 Tablespoons Powdered Sugar
2 Tablespoons Cornstarch

Here's What You'll Do: For the Berry Sauce

1. Put everything in a blender or food processor
2. Blend on high until smooth and glossy

Here's What You'll Need: For the Cheesecake
16 Ounces of Cream Cheese (At Room Temperature)
8 Ounces of Cool Whip
1 Cup Powdered Sugar
3/4 Cup Corn Starch
1 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract

Here's What You'll Do: For the Cheesecake
1. Combine all of your wet ingredients on a large bowl and mix until smooth and creamy. (I recommend a mixer for this, but you're free to develop Carpal Tunnel if that's what you're into...)
2. Slowly add your dry ingredients until the mixture reaches a thick enough consistency that when you pull the beaters out it forms stiff peaks, like tasty little mountain ranges.
3. Pour half of your Berry Sauce into the mixture and gently fold in until it is mostly combined but still has the occasional swirl.
4.Using a spatula  transfer the mixture into a Graham Cracker or Cookie Crust and cover with plastic wrap.
5. Refrigerate for 30 minutes to allow mixture to set.
6. Slice.
7. Drizzle each slice with a little of the remaining Berry Sauce, possibly garnishing with left over Berries or shiny foil wrapped candies that provide color contrast for the pictures you will randomly be taking.
8. Enjoy... like I have to tell you to enjoy Cheesecake...

Sorry for the Delay

Income tax time has made work incredibly hectic and I've been bogged down for the better part of half a month now. Nothing says tax return like an expensive dinner out after all. Add to that, Mary and I just got engaged and are moving to a much better apartment so things have been a little out of control. We'll be getting back to regular updates as soon as possible.

On the Topic of: A Pantry

     According to the first definition listed on Dictionary.com a Pantry is: a room or closet in which food, groceries, and other provisions, or silverware, dishes, etc., are kept. And while I wouldn't advocate giving up a whole room for groceries, I do strongly recommend building up a stock of them ahead of time. Cooking isn't something most people do everyday, some people not even every week some only cook once a year for a family reunion or holiday get together. So, why have a pantry? I'm assuming that since you're reading this article, well any article on my blog really, that you cook, or are learning to cook, but that doesn't mean that you have given a pantry much consideration, I know I didn't till I moved to Columbus.
     When I moved here I was out of work for a couple months, just living off of the little savings I had and selling what used to be a fairly impressive collection of extremely nerdy movies on DVD. I had been lead to believe that I was going to be stepping into a fairly solid job but the position was filled while I was loading up the U-Haul. Understandably my diet went to shit. I was feeding myself and my fiance on $20 a week, mostly spent at the Dollar General near my home. Even after I got a job hours were short for the new guy and we were still mostly living off the proceeds of box seasons of Avatar: The Last Airbender and Gilmore Girls(don't judge me.)
     I was so trapped in the day to day struggle that I couldn't see a way out, until I started thinking about rice and noodles. Rice and noodles are your salvation when you're on the borderline of starvation, healthy, filling, and most importantly, cheap. But still expensive when you're buying them a pound at a time. So, on a rare week when our food budget jumped to a whopping $30 I went to Wal-Mart and bought it, the big bag of Great Value Rice. It was, I think, $8.00 for 20 pounds. We'd been buying about 2 pounds a week for $2.00. For those of you who don't want to do the math I just got 10 weeks worth of rice for $8 instead of $20. While it showed no immediate benefit, eating up most of my extra food money it did put me a little bit ahead.
     The following week I spent the $2.00 I didn't need to spend on rice along with the money I normally spent on peanut butter and a few extra and bought an 'Institutional size,' Peanut butter. If you've never seen the 'Institutional size' before, it is a 6 pound cylinder made for things like schools, day cares, and nursing homes who need to feed about a hundred people everyday. The next week I didn't have to buy Rice or Peanut Butter and I spent the money I normally spent on them on a 50 pound bag of flour and a 5 gallon bucket to put it in, the next week a 25 pound bag of sugar, etcetera, etcetera.
     This was pure Hell for the first few weeks, plain and simple. Mary thought I was crazy, we had more food in the house than ever before, but even less variety, basically all Rice and Peanut Butter Sandwhiches. It sucked, but as time wore on and we made additions to our 'Pantry' things became much easier. The addition of Flour added Pancakes and simple unleavened Breads to our diet, Sugar added Cakes and Cookies, and each addition loosened up a few extra dollars to broaden our shopping a little. Eventually we could have a week where all of our 'essentials' were taken care of and we could buy a bulk pack of meat to separate, then another, then another. And separate it we did, a five pound roll of Ground Beef became 20 quarter pound baggies to be added to rice or put over noodles. A five pound Beef Roast became a one pound Beef Roast, two half pound Steaks, and six half pound bags of cubes.
     And eventually work picked up, I caught on to corporate culture and started getting more than 15 hours a week and my grocery budget gradually rose with it. This is the point where it could have fallen apart. A clever shopper can EASILY feed two people on $30 a week if they have that every week, and believe me, you get to be an awfully damn clever shopper when you are barely managing to stay fed and sheltered on your budget. But if the 'Pantry System' helps you eat better and get ahead when you're dead broke, it changes your life when you have a little more cash to pump into it.
     A well stocked Pantry can allow you the freedom to branch out and buy things that you've never tried, buy things you love that are normally outside your logical budget, and sometimes allow you to skip the grocery store altogether. The only limit being your patience and persistance.
     But the Pantry has its limitations, fresh fruits and vegetables, Milk and Eggs, anything that rots, spoils, or reanimates as some sort of undead monstrosity after a week in the refridgerator is not a great candidate for storage unless you plan on cooking it off and freezing it, canning it, or dehydrating it. Getting a Farmers Market to give you a bulk discount on 25+ pounds of tomatoes is awesome... IF you plan on making bulk Marinara sauce for a family reunion, but in most cases it just means you are going to have a lot of ammunition for bad street theater in about a week and a half. So, exercise a little sense when shopping.
     The Pantries greatest weakness though, is disorganization and forgetfulness. Make sure to keep a list of what you run out of, because I promise there will be few times in your life where you feel stupider than when you believe you have 10 pounds of butter but in fact you have none because you haven't bought it for 4 months.

Extremely Pretentious Cupcakes

     Why did I name this 'Extremely Pretentious Cupcakes,' instead of doing what I normally do and giving it a weird, quirky, or lets face it, extremely pretentious name? Because honestly when I finished sorting out what they would be called if I just used a little truth in advertising, I realized they would be Orange Cardamom Cupcakes with Orange Blossom infused Lavender Buttercream Frosting. And since I can't say that without feeling like I should be wearing a sweater vest and lampooning my hedge fund manager at 'The Club,' I figured it was better to make fun of myself openly than to have to shake my head and call myself a dumb ass everytime I looked through my posts forever.

Here's What You'll Need for the Cupcakes:

1 Cup White Sugar
1/2 Cup Butter
1/2 Cup of Milk
2 Eggs
2 Teaspoons Orange Extract
1 1/2 Cups All Purpose Flour
1 Tablespoon Cardamom
2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
1 Teaspoon Orange Zest

Here's What You'll Do:

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit
2. Cream together your Eggs and Butter in a large bowl.
3. Mix in the rest of your wet ingredients till fully combined.
4. In a separate bowl mix together all of your dry ingredients.
5. Combine wet and dry ingredients.
6. Line a Muffin Pan with Paper Muffin Cups
7. Evenly split your batter between the muffin cups, they should each be about 2/3 full.
8. Bake for 20-25 minutes until a toothpick inserted in the center of each comes out clean.
9. Allow to cool completely and then frost.

     The Extremely Pretentious Frosting I'm giving you the recipe for is NOT the same as the one I made. And here's why: Do you remember the advice I gave for using new spices in On the Topic of: Seasoning? If not reread that real quick and you'll know why I reduced the amount of Lavender in the recipe I'm about to give you by 1/2. I really should have listened to my own advice on that one, wow. On the other hand, if you want to feel like Spring had an after party in your mouth then moved it upstairs to your sinuses for an orgy feel free to go ahead and double up on the lavender.

Here's What You'll Need for the Frosting:

1 Cup(2 Sticks) Softened Butter
1 1/2 Teaspoons Lavender Petals
1 Tablespoon Orange Blossom Water (Also a new ingredient for me, check Wal-Marts Middle Eastern Section)
4 Cups Powdered Sugar

Here's What You'll Do:

1. Crush the Lavender Petals, you can use a spoon against the side of the bowl, a food processor, or a mortar and pestle is you are old fashioned.
2. Mix the Lavender with your Softened Butter and Orange Blossom Water . You probably already know this, but someone else reading this recipe doesn't, so here goes: Softened Butter is about room temperature. It is a soft squishable goop. It is NOT the same as Melted Butter, which is, well, melted... into a liquid.
3. Slowly mix in your powdered sugar.
4. Allow to set for at least 10 minutes in the refridgerator to allow the flavors to blend.

Lector Loaf

                                                           Pictured with our Black as Midnight BBQ Sauce, also, with some Peas.

     Tired of those Lambs always screaming in the back of your mind? Waking you up from a sound sleep to a world of cold sweats and kidnapped girls? Show those little woolly bastards who is boss by cramming a little of our delightful Lector Loaf through your face plate.

Here's What You'll Need:

1 Pound Ground Lamb
2/3 Cup Plain Bread Crumbs
1 Small Yellow Onion (Minced)
1/2 Green Pepper (Diced)
3 Large Mushrooms (Sliced)
2 Eggs
1 Tablespoon Tahini
1 Tablespoon Garlic Powder
2 Teaspoons Black Pepper
1 Teaspoon Kosher Salt
1 Teaspoon Sage
1/2 Teaspoon Rosemary

Here's What You'll Do:

1. Preheat oven to 350 Degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Mix everything together thoroughly.
3. Form it into a block approximately 6 inches by 8 inches and 1 inch thick and place on a cookie sheet.
4. Bake for 30-35 minutes.
5. Slice and enjoy!

Words to Digest: Cartoonist Jamie Noguchi

     After I referenced The Blazing Sword Burger in 'From Across the Web #2' I notified its creator the extremely talented Jamie Noguchi, since it seemed the polite thing to do. Well, one thing lead to another and I managed to grab an interview.


The Columbus Digest- So, I loved your work on Erfworld, the over large heads on tiny bodies, powerful beasts that look like they would be just as at home eating a live Elk whole or at a nine year old girls birthday party, how much of the visual style of Erfworld sprang from you, and how much of it was collaborative with Rob Baldur?

Jamie Noguchi- Rob and I had a few initial meetings where he told me what his plans were for the project. During these sessions, I would sort of sketch out ideas for characters and general style for the world. I'd say most of the visual stuff was from my crazy brain. Once we started getting pages out, Rob would have ideas for specific things he wanted to see.A few times he sent over sketches of specific set pieces that he
wanted included.

C-Bus D.- In your current venture "Yellow Peril," food is a frequently recurring theme and the character 'Julie' is a Chef. And it makes me wonder do you consider yourself a foodie?

Jamie Noguchi- I suppose I am a bit of a foodie. I like to eat good food. But I'm not a snob about it. I like a good street hot dog as much as a fine piece of sushi.

C-Bus D.- In my opinion, a real foodie meets just your criteria. It's not about rubbing peoples noses in your Bisque, enjoying something delicious, and the best side dish to have with any meal is friends and family, their company I mean, you'd run out of them pretty quickly if word got out you were using them as an actual side dish.

C-Bus D.-  Julie's restaurant, 'Chez Wong,' is French Asian Fusion combining the best of Szechuan and French cuisines, is that just happenstance or does it reflect the kind of cooking you do at home?

Jamie Noguchi- Chez Wong is sort of weird reference to a restaurant that used to be in Bethesda. It's long gone, but it always made me laugh whenever I passed by. I don't think there was anything French about the place except for the name. So when it came time to create Julie, I thought it would be funny if she was trained in classical French cuisine but fused it with food from her cultural heritage.  Also, my wife is half French and she's introduced me to some very excellent French food which I plan on including in the comic sometime in the future.

C-Bus D.- Discounting Kane's Blazing Sword Burger, do you have a 'specialty' dish that you feel is really definitive of your cooking? And if so, are you willing to share the recipe?

Jamie Noguchi- One of my favorite things to make is spaghetti and meatballs. I'm still trying to get the recipe just right, but basically I mix ground beef, sausage, garlic, egg as a binder, breadcrumbs (sometimes), various spices that I find around the house. Then I form them into balls and plop them in the sauce. As you can tell, I don't really measure anything which is probably bad because I can never repeat anything exactly the same. As for sauce, if I'm feeling really adventurous, I'll get a whole mess of roma tomatoes, score the skin with a knife, and then boil them until the skin starts to peel. Then I skin them, cut them up into quarters, and squish them through a wire colander to make sure the seeds don't get in. If I'm lazy, I just squish the tomatoes into the pot. A little salt, some garlic, some olive oil, bring it to a boil, then let it simmer. Then start plopping in the meatballs and wait until they're good and cooked through. I'm still messing with the recipe a bit. One thing I want to try when I have time is baking the meatballs first before they go into the sauce to get a nice crust on them. Also, I think I want to try hand mixing the meat. The food processor tends to turn the meat into a paste which gives  the meatballs a really smooth texture. I kinda want a chunkier texture so next time I do it, I'll probably try mixing the meats by hand. Oh, I made a beef  stew once from a recipe that was freaking rad! I don't remember it off hand, but it surprised me how good it turned out. As you can see, I'm kind of a comfort food kinda guy when I cook at home.

C-Bus D.- I tend to just jot my recipes down right after I make something in case I really love how it turns out, or so I can tinker with it if it doesn't. I  agree about the hand mixing (and not just because I haven't found a good food processor to fit my budget yet) I like my food to taste professional but feel  home made and that smoothly ground meat texture screams store bought to me. I can and have done the professional style exactly sized cuts, slices, and cubes of meats and vegetables, but I find it endearing in a dish to occasionally find that one piece of meat that is randomly twice as big as most of them, or that one piece of carrot that is a little firmer than the rest because it was just to big to cook through.

C-Bus D.-After you read my post about The Blazing Sword Burger did you check out any of  our recipes? And if so, did anything in particular catch your eye?

Jamie Noguchi-The Wasabenero Sauce definitely caught my eye. I love me a good hot sauce. The Blazing Black Bean Burger is something that I'd like to try on a grill. And I'd love to get my hands on some Mumbo Gumbo!

C-Bus D.- Let me know when you do come to Columbus and I'll whip you up some of anything on the blog. Sharing good food with interesting people is what got  me interested in cooking in the first place.

C-Bus D.-You're walking alone down a dark street late at night when all of a sudden everything goes black as a burlap sack is dragged over your head. You try to fight back but are overwhelemed by sheer numbers and loaded into a vehicle and driven for what seems like hours. The vehicle finally stops and you are unloaded like so much baggage and carried a short distance into a building where the bag is removed and as you stare blearily around there is a roar of  sound... "Surprise!" All of this has been a clever ruse by your closest friends and family to get you to a surprise birthday party three weeks before the date, so you wouldn't suspect. Spread out on a table in front of you are your five favorite foods, what are they?

Jamie Noguchi- Sushi, pizza, tacos, ramen, chili.

C-Bus D.-So, would there be vengeance for the kidnapping? Or would you let it slide because it turned out to be part of Birthday Extravaganza?

Jamie Noguchi- Oh, there would definitely be revenge for the kidnapping. But if the food is good enough, it would be less severe!

C-Bus D.-Have you ever commited arson or cooked barbeque, and if so are you a coal, gas, or wood kind of guy?

Jamie Noguchi- Not yet. We're looking to buy a grill as we just moved in to a new
house. Any suggestions?

C-Bus D.-Grilling is a pretty personal taste for most people. Gas is the most convenient, a tank lasts a good long while, the only thing you have to clean up is anything that drips from the food itself, and there is rarely any trouble getting it lit. But gas grills tend to be a bit expensive and as a cooking medium goes it doesn't really add anything in the way of flavor. Coal is the cheapest, once Spring hits damn near every gas station, dollar store, grocery store, and creepy little kid on the roadside will sell you coal for a couple bucks. It's pretty  convenient to light and adds a little bit of smokey flavor  to your food. But it is messy, hella messy. If you buy more than you'll be using right away you have to keep a bag of it stored somewhere leaking fine black powder all over your floor, if you ever use charcoal as a drawing medium you probably already know what I'm talking about, not to mention having all those burger dripping greasy ashes to dispose of afterwards. Wood is the barbeque masters method of choice, since it adds a variety of delicious smoked flavors to anything you cook on it, it stores pretty much indefinitely, and a small artfully stacked wood pile can actually look pretty nice in the yard. But it tends to be a bit more expensive if you have to buy it, and again leaves you with a lot of ash. It is also the slowest method since it can be a motherfucker to get lit and you need to wait for it to burn down most of the way before you do any cooking. Depending on your circumstances I'd usually recommend charcoal with a small selection of wood chips (apple, oak, and mesquite maybe) on hand to throw over the coals for a little extra flavor. Also, since your answer was a
little unclear on the issue I would suggest against arson, it's funny, hilarious really, but a messy and dangerous business.

C-Bus D.-If you had to pick three sauces, and only three sauces to represent the side bar for every dish you were to eat for the rest of your life, what would they be?

Jamie Noguchi- Sriracha, dijon, soy sauce.

C-Bus D.-You may or may not like pork as a meat, but regardless, in any great war sides must be chosen, do you stand with Ham, Sausage, or Bacon? You've mentioned that Bacon makes everything Ultimate, but does that mean in your eyes it stands as The Pork Supreme?

Jamie Noguchi- Oh man, that's a toughie. Sausage is freaking amazing but a perfectly cooked piece of bacon is superb. You know what, I'm gonna have to go with bacon. I was a vegetarian for a year and it was bacon that brought me back.

C-Bus D.- I stand on the side of Ham, so watch your back if it ever comes to Gladiatorial Combat, cause I know where your loyalties lie.

C-Bus D.-When do you think we'll be seeing you set up a booth at one of our many awesome conventions?

Jamie Noguchi- I would love to come out to a convention out there. I've got to get a list and see what's up.In general, if I'm ever in a new town, I like to find local places that I can't get when I'm in MD. I try to stay away from chains like the Fridays or the Ruby Tuesdays and go for something local. I mean,
that's the whole point of getting out of your town, right!

C-Bus D.- Well, Columbus is the town for it, you can barely walk a 1/4 mile without bumping into at least two small start ups. That is one of the reasons I've been putting together a restaurant review section. So many new and interesting places to try, so few dollars to spend on eating out. But, honestly, it might be worth your time to try some of our chain restaurants too, a lot of people don't know that we are the corporate testing ground for new dishes. The company I work for is a HUGE chain of restaurants and we get new menu items sometimes six months before they hit other restaurants in our chain and the feed
back that our guests give often decides if those items ever make it out of our walls.

Hangry Girl Hummus

     The first time I ever heard the term 'Hangry,' was from my Fiance Mary, who went on to explain that the term means, 'Hungry enough that it's making you angry.' But after careful observation I've learned that it tends to be more of a slow simmering fury than a simple anger, and truth be told I've felt it's effects many times in my life, I just lacked a word to explain it.
      When Mary gets in this state there is only one solution, feed her, quickly. That's why I developed 'Hangry Girl Hummus,' smooth, creamy, delicious, and most importantly, QUICK to make.

Here's what you'll need:
2 Cans Chick Peas (also called Garbanzo Beans) one drained one un-drained
1/2 Red Bell Pepper
2 Tablespoons Lemon Juice
1 1/2 Tablespoon Tahini (This is a ground Sesame Seed Paste, available in the Middle-Eastern foods section of most places here on the West Side.)
2 Teaspoons Garlic Powder
2 Teaspoons Salt

Here's what you'll do:

1. Throw it all in a food processor or blender and run it on high until smooth and creamy.
2. Enjoy on Pita Bread, Crackers, Chips, or as a condiment on Sandwiches 

Or:

1. Throw it all in a food processor or blender and run it on high until smooth and creamy.
2. Pose it next to the other half of the Red Pepper on a lemon shaped cutting board with a little Cilantro sprinkled on top to emphasize its color. Then take photo's of it, like a weird food obsessed nut job. This is clearly the option I went with....

From Across the Web #2

Jamie Noguchi, author of the web comic Yellow Peril gives the world not only the gift of laughter, but this easy and delightful recipe for The Blazing Sword Burger which has the multiple benefits of being delicious, done in comic form, and being a reference to Voltron. If you are unfamiliar with Voltron, you should be ashamed.

Have you tried Ugli Fruit? You may have heard it called Unique Fruit, or Uniq Fruit, but lets be clear, it is U-G-L-Y. It looks like a Grapefruit from Chernobyl, but it's tasty, really tasty.

Have you ever wondered when it's worth it to cut the spots off the tomato and eat it anyway, and when it's time to leave it in your fridge for another week then hide it under your neighbors passenger seat? This article  will not help you with that at all, but it will help you get a better grasp on how long to store certain foods.

Redesign

     More than just a new theme, I updated the 'Recipe' and 'Restaurant Reviews' pages with links, and made sure the recipe's were categorized for easier perusal. I also added a 'Features,' page to make it easier to find articles, as well as moving the 'Pages' to the top of the screen. Hope this makes the site a little easier to navigate.

On the Topic of: Seasoning Part 1

     I know that mixing your own seasonings can be a little intimidating, they make those premixed packets for a reason right? Nobody wants to mess up dinner, friends and family looking down dejectedly, refusing to make eye contact with you, and deep down inside you know that they've lost all respect for you and you might as well just forget about going to your sisters school play or your Aunts Anniversary party. You've become a black sheep, a leper to your family, the one they keep locked in the cellar so the neighbors don't see you. But never fear, with a little practice and a little forethought you can step up in that crux moment when the fork is twixt plate and mouth and hold your head up high.
     The trick with seasonings, well, two tricks really, are:
1.      To know what the spices taste like individually. It's a wonderful thing to hear people talk about how fantastic Rosemary Chicken is, but it's entirely another thing to make a batch of it up and realize that Rosemary just happens to be one of those flavors that turns your stomach and you've ruined your dinner. With any new spice it's important to taste test it first, as much as sticks to the tip of your finger is usually enough to give you an idea. Keep in mind that what you're tasting will be diluted in the actual dish, spread throughout and mixed with the flavors of every other thing you add, so don't be disturbed if it seems a bit too strong. This is especially true in the case of certain herbs and spices that are especially powerful, Rosemary continuing to be a good example, and one that I will discuss more in the next section.
2a.      Remember that you're trying to eat delicious food, NOT spices with interesting textures. As I said above, the flavors will seem stronger when tried all alone, but until you have a little more experience with them go slow, add them a little time, taste test frequently. It's not unusual when I start trying a dish with a new spice for ten or twelve spoons to make their way into my sink before the meal is ever finished. And I learned this the hard way. The first time I tried cooking with Rosemary I added too much, I treated it like I would treat Garlic, an old familiar friend whose company I just couldn't get enough of, piled into a pot of Beef Stew like gold in a leprechaun's pot. The results were horrifying. Rosemary, when used properly adds a little Springtime freshness to any meal, when used improperly it is like a pine forest was violently ill in your mouth.
2b.      This isn't to disparage spicy food, a good bowl of Spicy Chili or a rich bowl of Curried... anything, is fantastic. Just make sure to keep it balanced so you're tasting food, not just spice. Tender tubers, mouthfuls of meats,  vivid vegetables, perfect pasta, they're all just as important as the seasonings you use, every flavor there to balance and sustain every other in harmony. Eventually it becomes second nature, keeping that balance in mind, remembering each flavor individually and as a community, but until it does, just take it slow and keep what I've said in mind, not because I'm some kind of Seasoning Guru, just because, for whatever crazy reason, I genuinely care how your dinner turns out.