On the Topic of: A Pantry Part 2 or Eating like Budget Conscious Kings

     So, a friend of my fiance has just gotten out into the world, complete with rent, bills, and crippling student loan payments. Under these conditions she has been struggling to eat healthy foods without pitching herself into a black abyss of debt collection, so, doing what the wise always do when they don't know what to do, she sought advice. Facebook brought it to Mary and Mary brought it to me.
     And now that I have it it seems like a perfect time to try to help, not just her friend, but anyone I can, with my little corner of the internet. So I'm expending on my previous rant about the pantry system with some helpful tips and tricks for what to buy, how to store it to get the most use out of it, and maybe a few random asides. But take note as you read this of what I said in my first rant about pantries, the quality (or at least variety) of your diet may suffer for a little while until you are fully stocked up. You may start to feel a little tired of rice or oatmeal, but at least you are full, healthy, and making progress towards being happy. This can be mitigated by a little judicious seasoning. You know how they say variety is the spice of life? Actually spices, are the spice of life. Luckily there are a huge variety of spices, many of which are so widely used that they're pretty cheap.
     A quick side note that might save your life, or at least your wallet. Get in the habit of looking at Unit Prices. They are usually in the corner of the label on the shelf below the food, most stores even draw a nice little box around them and label them 'Unit Price'. What the fuck is a unit? Well, it depends on what you're buying, with most things a Unit will be an ounce. A few things, like Aluminium foil will have Unit Prices for a square foot, and some will even be by the pound. The important thing is that all similar products will almost 100% probably be using the same unit of measurement, so just by glancing in that magical little box you can tell much more accurately how expensive something is, without all the tomfoolery involved in marketing. When the unit price is higher, but the total price is lower you're getting a lot less for your money. 'Unit Pricing,' isn't a perfect shopping tool, sometimes cheaper just means shitty quality and it doesn't matter if you have 5 times the amount because you'll hate eating it. Just shop around, keep unit pricing in mind, and don't assume that just because it is a more familiar brand that is automatically better.
     Despite the vicious lies spread by people looking to profit from the Atkins Diet, grains, along with all the carbohydrates that they contain, are good for you. Complex carbohydrates are broken down by the body into the sugars that allow the atomic reactor of your gut to keep on churning out the juice that powers you. On top of that the American Heart Association recommends a diet high in whole grains for heart health. And best of all, grains are by and large cheap as fuck.
     Rice is king when it comes to affordable grain options, around $12 for a twenty pound bag at Wal-Mart, but lets not forget about Oatmeal, Cornmeal, and even Cream of Wheat. All delicious, all filling, and all relatively inexpensive (especially considering they will double or triple their weight in water so a pound of rice  really comes out to about 3 pounds of overall food.)
     Sunlight, heat, air, and water may be some of the core building blocks for life to survive on this crazy mixed up world of ours, but they are fickle friends. All of them speed the deterioration of your food stuffs, leaving you with products that are either moldy, or just robbed of their nutritional value. So, before you even put that massive bag of rice in your cart, buy a five gallon bucket. You'll usually find them in the paint aisle, if not ask someone who works there. Wash it out with warm soapy water, dry it, and fill it up. As long as you seal it tightly after extracting your grainy goodness, and stash it somewhere moderately cool your Rice will all be gone about 5 years before it would have gone bad. Use this same system for Flour, Sugar, or Beans, and you'll be all kinds of prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse, a Red Scare, World War 3, or whatever.
     Since I already brought them up, Flour and Sugar. These are bedrock ingredients, with just a few additions you open up a world of fresh Breads, Pancakes, and Biscuits, vast rolling fields of Cookies, Cakes, and Crackers. If Pancakes, Cookies, and Cakes, sound tasty but like a nutritional deadzone, you've been spending too much time surrounded by boxes that contain chemicals with names like 'Di-Metha-Frack-it-all,' and 'Poly-Sorta- Food-Like.' A home made cookies worst crime is containing refined Sugar, and as long as they aren't your primary source of sustenance they're the Culinary Law equivalent of Jay Walking, and they sure as Hell help break up the tedium of the early stages of starting a pantry.
     Eggs are the Rock Stars of the Culinary world. High in protein, amino acids, and trace elements you need to survive. Key players from baked goods to breakfasts, Eggs are where it's at. Buy Eggs in BULK. Wal-mart has a box of 5 dozen for something like $10. If you're concerned that you won't use that many eggs before they spoil, don't be. They are fresher than the other eggs on the shelves, this is exactly WHY they sell that many eggs at once. Just keep them in their box and keep their box near the back of the fridge and you'll be fine for a LONG damn time, like more than a month. Check it out. And, if you're doubtful about the condition of your Eggs you can always just throw them at a shitty neighbors house, or failing that a shitty: friend, family member, or strangers house.
     As far as meat is concerned, you're probably eating more of it than you really need. It's just tasty, and as part of a generally affluent society you are accustomed to there being plenty of meat available. You are descended from hunter/gatherers who had to work their asses off to get any meat at all, peasants from some part of the world or other who had to work their asses off to get any meat at all, and lowly U.S. citizens who survived through the depression with hardly any meat at all, maybe even train car Hobo's riding the rails with little more than beans and a slim bit of Bacon fat in their bellies, so cut back a little, try some moderation, you are not a fucking T-Rex. Buy a 5 pound Chub (yes, the portly little rolls of beef in the cooler, looking like a long skinny balloon full of ground up Cow are actually called Chubs) of Ground Beef. To accompany this purchase buy Aluminium foil and quart size freezer bags(the higher the bulk on these items the lower the unit cost, so usually $10 worth of foil is cheaper than $5 worth of foil in the long run).  Use a knife (cautiously!) to slice the Chub into 20 individual 1/4 pound sections (eye it up to 'close enough' or use a scale if you have one), wrap each section in Aluminium foil, and place them 2 to a quart bag in your freezer. The foil is master blaster when it comes to preventing freezer burn (which is safe to eat, but dramatically decreases quality) and the plastic of the bag prevents air from reaching the product which helps with freezer burn and keeps meat from picking up funky freezer flavors. Cooked into a Rice dish, one of these will feel like an adequate amount of Meat for two people, but if you are feeling a particular hankering for Beefy goodness go as high as 1 of your 1/4 pound portions each. It will feel indulgent after your recent rationing.
     Of course, no discussion of eating healthy could go on without a discussion of vegetables, nor could any discussion about eating on a budget. Vegetables, how ever tasty and nutritious are too expensive to eat when you're just trying to get by right? No, what? Where did that rumor get started?
     People willing to pay $3 or more a pound for Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast will look you dead in the eye and tell you vegetables are too expensive when you can get a pound of Carrots for usually under a dollar a pound. and Carrots are just the tip of the ice burg. Bananas, Potatoes, Cucumbers, Green Bell Peppers, Lettuce, most varieties of Hot Peppers, Radishes, Rutabagas, Turnips, most types of Greens, Celery, etc., etc., etc., are usually available for less than $1 a pound. The reason most people seem to think vegetation is too expensive to eat is they are only looking for more luxurious eats. Fresh berries, Red Bell Peppers, and Tomatoes are undoubtedly delicious and nutritious, but hold off till you have a few more bucks in your budget. Try strange new tubers like Turnips, Beets, and Rutabaga's that are delicious, last ages in the refrigerator, and are a fun occasional departure from the standard Carrots and Potatoes. Heck, try something  a little different with your good old Carrots and Potatoes. Give Cabbage a real genuine shot in your life, fried up with just a little Salt, Pepper, and Butter, Cabbage is like giving your taste buds a hand job. Add a few fried Potatoes, and a couple scrambled Eggs and you have a tasty filling meal for maybe as many a 5 people for about $3, not per person, but total.

Note: If you don't get the title of this post, please watch 'Mission Hill,' you'll probably like it.

P.A.-P.H.D. Chocolate Bacon Muffins

     During a recent conversation on Facebook someone mentioned wanting Chocolate, someone else mentioned wanting Bacon, and I figured that, since that pairing has recently become trendy, and I like muffins, fuck it time for Chocolate Bacon Muffins. The name is a tribute to a woman I barely know, have only met once, but whom I have had some very fine online discourse with over the years, and upon whose Facebook wall the initial conversation appeared.

Here's What You'll Need:
8 Ounces of Applewood Smoked Bacon
1 3/4 Cups Flour
1 Cup Chocolate Chips
1 Cup Milk
3/4 cup Sugar
1/3 Cup Bacon Grease
3 Tablespoons Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa Powder
1 Egg
2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
2 Teaspoons Instant Coffee
1 Teaspoon Applewood Smoked Sea Salt (Plus more to finish)
1 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract
1/2 Teaspoon Baking Soda

Here's What You'll Do:
1. Using scissors, cut your Bacon into 1/4 inch squares, and fry over medium heat until crispy.
2. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
3. Separate your bacon from it's grease and allow both to cool for several minutes.
4. Combine 1/3 of a cup of your bacon grease (if you don't get enough while frying your bacon, either make up the difference with butter, or fry yourself some extra bacon...) with 1/2 a cup of chocolate chips and all of your sugar.
5. Microwave on high for 30 seconds then whisk until your chocolate and sugar fully dissolve.
6. Whisk in your Vanilla Extract, Milk, and Egg.
7. Add the rest of your Chocolate Chips and 3/4 of your bacon pieces, then stir to combine.
8. In a separate bowl, combine your Flour, Coffee, Baking Powder, Baking Soda, Cocoa Powder, and Salt, then whisk to combine.
9. Using a silicone spatula, add your wet ingredients to your dry ingredients.
10. Stir until the mixture is just coming together, that means there WILL be liquidy pocket, there WILL be lumps, and there WILL be areas of dry Flour. Do not continue to fucking mix it! This is exactly how it is supposed to be.
11. Grease and Flour a standard 12 cup Muffin tin, or spray it down with Bakers Joy.
12. Using a spoon, or you know, whatever works for you, scoop the batter into your Muffin Tin, trying your best to keep it distributed evenly.
13. Add the final 1/4 of your Bacon, distributed evenly across the tops of all your prospective Muffins, and sprinkle each lightly with Applewood Smoked Sea Salt.
14. Bake for 20 minutes, rotating your pan at the 10 minute mark to ensure that they cook evenly.
15. Allow to cool completely (really, just wait FFS, I know they smell good.)
16. Pop loose from their little steel beds and devour ravenously.

Notes: Some of you may wonder why 'Preheat' comes in as step two in this recipe. The answer is simple, I'm using a 400 degree oven in August, I don't want that thing on any longer than absolutely needed, if I do more Muffins in December you'll notice the difference.

Bonus Points: Split one of those tiny brown bad asses in half and spread on a little Nutella. Or better yet, Dobrova, which tastes just like Nutella, but is considerably cheaper.

Trigger Fingers

Pictured with Our Black as Midnight BBQ Sauce

     So... remember in my Interview with Ben from North Market Spices how he was talking about their 'Gunslinger Rub,'? Well, I can't pass up good spice recommendations and I picked up a bag. And it was delicious, so, one evening in a mood for one of the comfort foods from my youth I decided to make up a batch of Chicken Tenders, and lo, the birth of something wonderful.

Here's What You'll Need:

1 Pound of Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast

4 Cups of Flour

1 1/2 Tablespoons of North Market Spices Gunslinger Rub

Here's What You'll Do:

1. Cut your chicken into thin strips lengthwise, about 1/8 of an inch thick.

2. Toss the Chicken Strips into a zip top storage bag with the Gunslinger Rub, make sure they are evenly coated, and squeeze the air out of the bag.

3. Refrigerate for at least an hour.

4. Put your Flour into a large shallow container, like an 8x8 cake pan, and a few at a time place the Chicken Strips in the pan, bury with flour and press down lightly to make sure the flour adheres.

5. Lay each strip in a single layer on a plate and allow to rest for at least 20 minutes at room temperature. This will give the flour time to form a little Gluten, which will help it hold together in the fryer, as well as giving the chicken time to get a little closer to room temperature. You don't want to hold raw meats between 40 degrees and 140 degrees (known professionally as 'The Danger Zone') because it gives bacteria time to breed, but a few minutes shouldn't hurt anything, and the closer your Tenders are to room temperature when they enter the fryer the less cool down you will experience from your oil, the faster and easier each piece will leave 'The Danger Zone' and the crispier the end product will become.

6. One at a time drop your Tenders into a deep fryer heated to 350 degrees Fahrenheit for approximately 6-8 minutes, or until the internal temperature reaches 165 degrees Fahrenheit. (I know, this can be tricky to determine with fried foods, but that's why you sliced them so thin Chief. Also, get a digital probe thermometer, you can get one for like, $20 and it might save someones life.)

7. Using Tongs or a 'Fryer Spider' extract your Trigger Fingers and place them on either a wire cooling rack on a sheet pan, or a couple of paper towels on a plate for a minute to wick away excess grease.

8. Enjoy with our Black as Midnight BBQ Sauce as pictured above, or with Sour Cream, or maybe even ranch dressing (I personally hate the stuff and feel like it is for people who don't want to taste food, they just want to taste ranch. I will be disappointed in you if you go for the Ranch, but unless you're one of a very small number of people I'm probably not peeking through your window to watch you eat, so I'll likely never know.)